Lately I find myself having the frequent need to take long deep breaths just to breathe easier again.
My heart is beaten, pierced, and crushed.
This ache wouldn’t go.
Yet it is with this ache that I live.
Goodbye for now, Daddy
Just a little more than a month after losing my father-in-law, I lost Daddy too in the early morning of 13th May 2020.
For the few days that he was critically ill, we were all finally granted permission to visit Daddy at the hospital. My prayers changed everyday – from praying that God be merciful and end his pain by bringing him Home soon today, to praying for a miracle and against pain and suffering the next. The couple of days that he was slightly more alert and communicative, Daddy conveyed his love for us, said his thanks, and sought for forgiveness from everyone in the family. We too, did the same.
The morning before he passed, he told me that he was ready to go. When asked where to, he replied, “go home to the Lord”. I knew in that moment, that I had to let go. I kissed him, hugged him, and told him multiple times that I love him. 2 years ago after knowing that his time with us was going to be short, he texted me and asked that we play “10,000 Reasons” by Matt Redman before he passes on, for that was his favourite worship song. I saw him smile, as I placed my phone beside him, with his favourite worship song playing. He sang along with it for a second before drifting off to sleep. We left him to rest, and I gave him what I never thought was the last hug and kiss.
I struggled in my prayers to God the whole day but when night came, somehow I found enough strength to pray and tell Him that I am now ready, should He wills for Daddy to be brought Home to Him. Peace washed over me as I prepared to turn in for the night, looking forward at the same time to see Daddy early next morning.
Barely 15 minutes later, my phone buzzed. It was the Doctor. Daddy had just passed. I could hardly register what she said as she reminded us what to bring along with us, until she said that Daddy had gone quietly and peacefully in his sleep, without any form of struggle, groaning, or pain, unlike the days before. God had answered my prayers.
I wailed my way from Tampines back to Yishun Community Hospital, but gladness and peace filled my heart completely when I saw him lying on the hospital bed. Life was out of him, but we were all surprised at how good he looked. He looked so peaceful, so young, even radiant too if you would believe me. A far far cry from how he looked the past days. I knew for sure, that God was with him in his final hours and that Daddy had truly left for Home peacefully and without pain.
While I am comforted in the knowledge that Daddy is now with Christ, the loss of Daddy in this lifetime has left an enormous crater in me and a physical heart ache that has been strong and present ever since he passed. He was not the ideal husband or father, but he was the best father he could ever be and he loved us deeply. I had often wondered why “10,000 Reasons” was his favourite worship song amongst many that he had listened to. And I was brought to the day where I accompanied him to the Doctor’s for his usual follow-up and the conversation he had with the Doctor that morning. I no longer remember what the Doctor asked, but I remember Daddy’s answer – “I am very contented. I have nothing to blame (life for).” Another time when I was struggling in my faith, I texted him and asked “Actually, do you still think that God is good?”. A minute later, he replied “Yes, and all the way.”. Despite all his failings, lacks, and severe pain that chronic gout has inflicted on him, he always had a reason to be thankful, and believe that God is good and good to him. Imagine what comfort and strength it must have given Daddy in his last days and now to me, when the words of the bridge of the song came along:
“And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore.”
I miss Daddy so so so very much. The weight of this pain and grief is heavy, piercing, and overwhelming. But like what he last said to Mommy at the end of his video call with her in the hospital, this is but only “goodbye, for now”.
I love you, Daddy. Have a ball of a time with Jesus. I will see you soon.
J. 