Half 0f 2011 had just passed in a blink of an eye. It was one of the most trying period of my life. I got really distracted for a few good months, and struggled for a pretty long time too. Transitions, temptations, expectations, blah blah blah. Am not totally struggle-free for now, but am thankful that God had been there all along and proved Himself so very faithful even when I’m not on track. My own journal served as a good reflection when I took time to pen those struggles down too. After going through that couple of transitions, funnily, I felt very much grown up. But the older I got, the more I realized that the heart is indeed very, very vulnerable. And it is so so so vital that I should remind myself everyday, to guard my heart. The heart took over for quite a while, and I was ..disastrous. Never would I wanna expose myself to such a vulnerable position again.

Just a couple of hours ago, I re-committed my dream to God. Accompanied with a sigh, I said, ”God, I really wanna sing. For you.”. It got so discouraging for a period of time, this singing thing, that I kinda chucked it aside and regarded it as a hobby. But no, I dont wanna do that. There’s a reason why God used me as a vocalist to serve in the youth ministry. And being a simple girl with no much talents, singing was prolly the happiest thing for me, and God using it to serve Him and His people, using it to expand my heart for Him, using it to experience Him in a different and deeper measure, I can’t help but to be in awe. How can I then, bring it down to such a level as to treat it as a mere hobby? And since this gift is given by Him, who am I to have the final say in how I should be using that gift for. I musnt forget that He is not done with this gift as yet, and that whatever I’d experienced and learnt before today are great assets and a stepping stone for something greater. Keep going, Joan!

Older I get, the bleaker the road ahead seems to be, the stronger my God’s presence has to be. 

Cheryl, my manger, is also one of the blessings I wanna thank God for. This woman is amazing. I respect her for the spirit of excellence in the job. She genuinely loves what she is doing and takes great great great care of the staff. She buys us breakfast/ lunch/ dinner whenever possible, from her own pocket. Fun, humorous, sincere, but strict, professional and capable. Had learnt so much from her.

Bridget’s Listening Ear
My favourite person to talk to (: Thankyou for always being so ready to listen. I am the most talkative when I’m with you. I know that sometimes my rantings and vomits are a lil hard/ too much to take, so I really do appreciate it each time you set aside your time just to reply my texts/ emails/ to meet up. I dont know how you did it, and I’m not sure if I could do as great a job as you, but I hope to do the same for you too (: Love you so much!

Jonquek’s Apt & Timely Prayer
I did not tell him much – ’bout my fears, struggles, roller-coaster feelings, doubts, anxiety within. So imagine my surprise when whatever he said got struck right into me. Felt so encouraged and lifted up after that prayer.

Xinru’s Steady Pom Pi Pi-ness
Because of you, the frequency of  me spending time alone in town had decreased drastically. Haha thankyou for always being so steady whenever I request to meet to chill at the last minute. Aye, actually vice versa la. HA!

Bus Driver
He waited for me while I was running towards the bus from across the road. I thought it was really nice of him to wait for me, esp since I had came across bus drivers who knows and sees you running (got eye contact somemore!) then drives away when you’re just about to reach. We both laughed when I boarded the bus and was sweating and panting profusely. Somehow, it made me smile.

There are many other things that I wanna thank God for but the clock’s ticking, it’s been a long day for me and my eyelids are getting heavier than a Sumo now. Lol, brain’s apparently not functioning well. Am not sure if anybody ever reads this space anymore, I’ve blogged so little, now blogging feels like talking to myself – in a really weird way. So if you’re reading, HELLO YOU!

And now that God had parted my Jordan rivers, I’d have to decide if I wanna cross over. I have no idea what had been holding me back, but I took long enough.
Either this, or that. No in-betweens.

It has also been some time since I last sat down and reflected about me and my life. Things had been so hectic and I had been so busy trying to give  as many ticks in my check list as possible, I realized I ended up doing nothing much. It’s one tough night, tonight. Took me more than guts to put this mirror in front of myself, look her in the eye and be well, brutally honest. And to be frank, I dont like what I saw. And as much as I’d want to chuck it all aside, there’s this tugging in my heart that I can’t seem to shake it away. And as much as I’m trying so very hard to gather pretty flowers from all around to conceal these ugly stuff, I know that at the end of the day, God sees through these beautiful flowers, and straight into this ugly heart of mine.

Joan – The meaning behind this name is ‘God’s grace is sufficient’. How true it is, that I’m only able to live because of His grace, and only able to move on after countless of break downs because of His grace. And the stupid me have been searching all over, high and low, for something that fills me, only to realize that His grace alone, is sufficient for me.

In a blink of an eye, you’re gonna turn 4 in a couple of day’s time. I still so vividly remember the night when your popo, gonggong and I cabbed down to the hospital just to see this gift to our family from Heaven. My heart felt an emotion I’d never once experienced before that night when the nurse brought you over, wrapped in that warm blue towel. You were so tiny and fragile, having you in my arms for the very first time felt like I was carrying a Swarovski I can never afford to get.

I am so so glad and proud to be able to witness to your every firsts -
* The very first time you crawled (towards your toys)
* The very first time you stood
* Your very first footsteps during your first birthday
* The very first melody that you sang (baby lang)
* The very first time that you began eating solid food – You began eating chicken wings when you were really young, no wonder chicken is now your favourite food.
* The very first time you called me – I was in the room tying my hair when you ran in to the room with a blue ball in  hand, calling ”Yiyi”. I was so overjoyed that I grabbed you and we began twirling ’round in circles.
* The very first day you went to day-care -I cant believe that I actually felt tears at the corner of my eyes when I saw you in your school’s uniform. It felt like my little boy had grown up so much.
* The very first time you prayed – ”Jesus, me Daryl.. I tomorrow come see you again okay. Amen..byebye.”
* The very first time you started doodling.
I like your potatoe-look-alike banana the most

This is the forth year of having you in my life and I cant wait for the many years ahead. You’re a naughty boy with quite a temper, and you did made me erupt like a volcano many times. But what can I say for the moments when you ran and hugged me, gave me kisses, told me you love me after a day out at the library and mac’s, and surprises me with your little wit. I enjoy and love how you’d sing to every songs that are played in the advertisements (and that shows how much of telly time you’ve been having!) , making home-videos with you, asking you about your school and friends, creating our own little games, dancing crazily with you, and how we’d always sing all the songs that we know of  on our way home.

There were times when I was caught up with my own work that I neglected and didn’t had time for you. And it’s only when you were soundly asleep in the room at night then I realized that you’d been playing and talking to yourself when I was busy doing my stuff. For those moments, Yiyi wants to apologize.

If there’s just one thing that Yiyi wants to tell you, it would be this. You might not be one of those kids with ample toys and pretty clothes. Perhaps you might not grow up to be as academically inclined as how you might be expected to be. But, Daryl, you are rich. Youve got this family and youve got a great big God in you. This family might not be the most loving and expressive one, and this family will fail you time and again. But do know that this family is for you, and loves you more than you might know. And for Yiyi, if I could, I hope that my bare hands are large enough to cover you from the possible harm and hurts you’re bound to get in this ugly and real world. But I can never do that, and you’d never grow. But I promise I will do my best in bringing you up to be a mature, responsible, Godly man in all ways possible. Lastly, and most importantly, there’s this only person who can fill you through and through and walk with you in every single moment of your life for the rest of your journey on earth, and never ever fail you. You know Him. And He loves you the most. I pray with all my heart that as you’re starting to get to know Him a little by little everyday, you’d grow up to have His heartbeat close to yours and you’d fully be dependent on Him.

I’m proud of you already, dear boy. You’re my greatest blessing in life.

Love,
Yiyi.

Tell me I do not need to conquer this alone.