(:
I think I’m often a spoilt brat. I make a big fuss when things don’t go my way. I push my way through and tries to prove to others that I’m right. I’m an obstinate person. I’m temperamental. I’m super sensitive to the words and actions of others out of sheer insecurity and expects others to love me as much as I love them. God is indeed smart. He knows that I’m bound to offend lotsa people and will definitely not gonna make it in this world if I were to continue to live and carry on with my life with this kinda attitude and character. And so, He graciously gave me some people who..helps me along the way, rejoicing & celebrating with me through every ups, giving me a hand & picking me up through every downs, correcting me when I’m wrong, encouraging me when I feel cui and most importantly, loving me even through my unlovable moments. And well, you are just one of the few (:
You know perfectly well that I can go on with more than 101 things which I think I should & can thank you for. I’ve thanked you for ’bout the same thing for practically every occasion & random moments. But do know that I really mean it. I simply just feel that I can never thank you enough. You nurtured and invested your time and effort on me since I was a young Christian and yes, I know that I’ve given you lotsa shit which sometimes even I can’t stand. For that, I apologize. I was a hard nut to crack, a sheep no shepherd would imagine to take care of. But you did and stayed, despite it all. Not that I’m a perfect saint now, but I think the major change of my character, attitude & perception of life, (besides Jesus) is all thanks to you. If you were to give me another ”Joan” to make friends with, I am more than certain that I would not be able to live for more than 3days. I would just die of frustration and intolerance. Like, seriously. So yea, you’re really a superwoman. To think that you’ve tolerated all my nonsense all these time. Heh.
It’s another beginning, for us both. I pray that God would watch over you (duh) , reveal more of His plans for the Kingdom to you and use you so so so much more than before. I know He would. You’ve always been such a sedulous worker. You have a child-like and genuine heart which seeks after Him and places Him above all else. I’ve always loved to sit and listen you share ’bout your visions and plans you have in extending His Kingdom. You would grip my arm and your eyes would sparkle when you continue to share bout such stuff with such deep convictions and passion. I am also greeeennn with envy with the fact that you’re able to do something which you’ve always wanted to do and be since you were a child — A policewoman. Tell me, how many can actually still hold down to their dreams and ambitions and stay true to them?
You have, and I believe, will always be a role model for me to follow. A Chrisitan who leads her life with great integrity and love for others. I salute you, Joyce Tan (:
Bubblegum Song
”Pink and Purple
Blue and Orange
Green and White
and Yellow
Chew ’till soft and blow blow blow
See the bubble grow grow grow
Pop Pop Pop
Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop ”
Deborah introduced this song to Misha and I this evening and it’s now officially stuck in my head :/
Phew
It has been a really hectic and stress month for me. I remembered I was still in a lost and deranged state of mind when October came, trying hard to swallow the fact that this really was it. I swear I thought I could just die and wake up when November comes. But O well, I’d survived it. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ~
God has been good. Really good. I’d never have made it alive without Him. Moments when I just refused to do anything and everything and just let my mind float away, moments when I felt like I was trapped in a maze, moments when I’d faced humiliation none could comprehend, He was there. Faithfully and lovingly holding my hand to the very very end.
The shiokness after putting in nothing but my best is really…shiok! I realized that when ”Best” was what I gave, the outcome does not quite matter. And when ”Best” was what I gave, I’d already heard the applause of Jesus. Even if I were to fail, I fail with pride.
The month of October was also a month of celebrations(: The Birthday surprises – under my block on the rainy night, picnic at marina barrage with the girls, the ”havoc” night at Kelly’s, dinner at Aston’s and a bowl of ”Taohuey” as my Birthday cake from the Hopekids teachers. .And oh! I’d also received a hot sexay sizzling RED Ipod Nano!! I’d been wanting this since forever but the $$$ in my holey pocket never allowed me to fulfill this great big ”want” in me. The smses and cards too.. I really felt extremely loved. From the bottom of my heart, thankyou (:
The Legendary Stare
When I was younger, whenever I start throwing tantrums, screaming at my sis’s face, pulling my sis’s hair or basically, just to do anything that wasn’t nice, my Dad would just give me this killer stare and I’d freeze in fear and stop whatever that I was doing.
And so, I thought I could use this legendary killer stare on my 2yr old nephew when he was happily slamming and opening the lid of the portable dvd player repeatedly. I decided to give him three warnings — The first was to tell him gently that whatever that he’s doing now is wrong and correct him. The second was to give him the killer stare. The third, of course, was to spank his butt ’till it blossomed.
I gave the first warning and all I got was a wide grin. And soooo, came the legendary stare. I stared at him so hard I thought my eyeballs were popping out. He looked at me calmly and I thought I’d succeeded. But guess what happened. Okay, lemme do this in slow-mo. He raised his right hand, made a ”yay!” or ‘twist” sign, whatever you call it, and poked right through my left eye, all within a second! Okay, maybe not through my eye, I exaggerated. It was so painful and I even had trouble opening my eye! For once, I thought I was going blind.
So much of wanting to pass the legendary stare from generation to generation and from glory to glory eh.
Lesson learnt: Whatever methods used in the past, might not be effective for today’s world. It’s kinda a ”duh” thing but owell, I learnt it the hard way.
To the irritating one :p
I’ve always sought for simplicity my whole life, only to find out that I’m the complex one.
And You, are probably the simplest person I’ve ever met.
Thank you for the midnight tau-huay sessions
Thank you for bringing Joy into my life.
I never fail to laugh really hard whenever I’m with you.
Thank you for being the one who makes the decision when the girls and I were indecisive.
Thank you for showing me love with your words and actions
(Many times, you took me by surprise cause you were never really a mushy kinda person. Ha!)
Thank you for being real to yourself and also to the people around you.
You are one of the few friends I have whom I can really really pour my heart to without worrying how you’d judge or perceive me.
Come to think of it. it’s funny how we first started out as enemies 5 years ago to who we are today.
Haha, it’s totally unbelievable.
Ah, you know what they say – ”Friends are like precious gems.”
Cheesy and Cliche, I know, but it’s true.
However for me, you’re more than a friend.
You’re like a family member to me already!
I wish and hope for nothing but the best for you! (:
Happy 18th, dearest!
What If.
” I had a weird dream last night. I was forced to go to London to further my studies. In my dream, I was really upset. I cried and I cried. I didn’t want to go. The last thing I want is to leave my loved ones behind. The family and friends who loved me so much. The people whom I’ve unknowingly relied on so so so much. I was at the airport, saw some familiar faces, rubbed my tears away, concealed my emotions with a smile and then.. I woke up.
Then again, it wouldnt have mattered so much, would it? Haven’t I been wanting to travel all these while? I wanna explore. As much as I’ve hated ”adventures” since I was little. Yea, I know, the irony. But it would be nice, wouldnt it? To see things I’ve never imagined myself to see. To smell the foreign air. To feel the strange yet familiar wind blowin’ against my face, walkin’ down on those streets with my never neat hair, with just a few dollars in my pouch. I wonder how much fun I could have, with that meagre amount of money. I would sleepand live in a beautiful cottage (Do London have cottages?) just by the sea. It would be such a bliss to hear the waves splash against the rocks. Cliche, I know. I could just sit there with a good book in hand or spend all day long listening to the different emotions of the waves. And it’ll never rain.. As much as the people around me are quickening their pace, leading their busy yet empty lives, as much as the vehicles are honking loudly, my heart remains silent. I guess it has stopped somehow. In a good way.
Or I could just stay all day in my beautiful home, baking away. Muffins. I could try baking muffins. Muffins with flavours of butter, blueberry and strawberry. No, not chocolate chips. I find them superficial, somehow. Or I could bake plain ones. That’ll be good. Alright, I’ll bake plain ones. I could take time to imagine each different taste that I want with each bite that I take. The first one would be the taste of sea. Then second, the wind. And the sun.. and the flowers..and the taste of colours. I could imagine all that I want for as long as I want and nobody would hurry or stop me from doing so.
Or I could go out and play with the stray dogs and cats. They yearn for love, care and concern as much as we living beings do too, I guess? There’d be alot of dogs and cats and for once, they wouldn’t fight. When I’m tired, I could just lie down on green pasture and watch the clouds roll by and my eyes would never hurt from the stinging sun. I would create images with the clouds in the sky in whatever images I want with no boundaries, no limits.
Some may find it boring. But I guess that’s where and when I’d be able to learn to hear myself more. The inner voice hid so deep within. I guess doing what I want during when I want could be some kinda happiness and bliss too, I suppose? No one would tell me what to do. There’d be no deadlines to meet. No ”to-do-lists” to check. No more image keeping. No more exams. No more disappointments. No more masquerades. It would just be me, with me. ”
Belief
4 years ago, on a random day, I got back my Math common test paper. I failed, as usual. I was never surprised each time I got back my results, but it would definitely be a lie if I were to tell you that I felt okay with it. Ms Tay then looked straight into my eye, index finger pointing at me, with such deep conviction, she told me, ”You are never ever gonna make it.” I looked at her for a few good minutes. For once, I was unable to comprehend whatever I was feeling within me. It was as if my mind was a video tape player, rewinding that moment again and again and again. I heard it word for word, ”YOU. ARE. NEVER. EVER. GONNA. MAKE. IT .”
1 year ago, during North Zone Badminton Match, Mr Lee came over and had a short chat with me. I forgot what topic we were on, or what we actually shared with each other. However, there was one thing which I still remember so so vividly, I don’t think I’m ever gonna forget it for the whole of my life. With a tap on the shoulders and the same firm look in the eye, Mr Lee told me , ”Joan, 你可以的，我相信你。我真的相信你是可以做到的。” (”Joan, you can do it. I believe in you. I truly believe that you can make it through.”)
Early this month during teacher’s day, the girls and I went back to our secondary school. All the teachers who taught us were at the table, catching up with us, joking, and well, we were having fun. A moment later, Mr James stood up and told us he had to leave. Amidst all the laughter and loud voices, Mr James called for me, index finger pointing at me and told me, ”Joan, never give up. You will go far. Yes, you will.”
I had the same kind of emotions welling up within me, for different reasons, during these three occasion. After contemplating and reflecting for a long while, I guess I’ve got work to do now, though I’m still puzzled and am still wondering where on earth did they find that belief in me. I’m gonna prove to Mr Lee and Mr James that they were right , and to Ms Tay, wrong. With that same index finger she gave me, I’m gonna return it to her and give her back just 3 words. ”YOU. WERE. WRONG. ”
ThanksGiving
Last Friday night, my sis and her boyfriend were on the bike, on their way home from Tampines. I don’t know what exactly happened, and my sis was flunked out of the bike, and landed on the grass patch. My sis’s boyfriend, however, wasn’t as lucky. He was flunked out of the bike, got hit against the lamp-post and well, the lamp-post landed on him. He passed away just after midnight.
I was informed of this news just the day after, from my dad. I remembered myself being extraordinarily calm and composed, I don’t know why. When I reached Nexus, my dad called me and told me the condition of my sis. Apparently, the whole of the right side of the body was paralyzed. She couldn’t lift up her head. Her arm’s bones were crushed. Her wrist was fractured. The nerves were damaged and so, she was not able to feel anything at all. She wasn’t even aware when the nurse came over and gave her an injection. I was holding my tears back, not much of because I was worried but I was really touched by what my dad told my sis. He told her, ”I am the man of the family. But do you know who’s the Head of the family? It’s Jesus.” He then taught her how to pray and cry out to our Savior.
For the whole of that day, not one single tear was shed. But I could no longer hold it all back when I saw Michelle lying on the bed, her hands bandaged, with three 5cm metal ”clips” poked through her arm, securing the bones together. Fortunately, there were just a few minor scratches on her face. She was holding back her tears too, I know. Right at that moment, I looked at her and I thanked God. I know He must have protected her when that accident occured. It was impossible that she could live, especially since the impact was so huge that one life was gone. I know and I know and I know, that my God had protected her. He died on her behalf. I was and am still so glad that at least, Michelle is still breathing and living.
I too, wanna take this time to thank all those who kept Michelle in prayers, came over to visit her , even though most of you guys don’t know her personally. Weikeat, DavidHoe, Xueyong, thankyou for cabbing down, took turns to go up to the ward and offered prayers though it was extremely awkward. Joshua, thankyou for coming all the way down from North to the hospital, though you almost got lost. Thankyou too, for the apple with a really encouraging note on it. Xinru, thankyou for coming down though the rest had something on. It was nice talking to you(: Ziying and Hannah, thankyou for the flowers and gifts (though you guys wouldn’t prolly see this). Deborah, who gave a listening ear. Two Hopekids teachers who came and visited Michelle when I wasn’t around. Rebecca Neo, for worrying together with me. Sharlene, who came over to my place to visit me. Shan, Misha, Eilton, my Sheep, the two Debbies, Sentosa, Junlin, Wanyueh, Hongteck, Shuyan, Silun Kelly and the girls, HopeKids ministry who prayed for my family and I, and ahhh there are just too many to mention. Thankyou, for keeping Michelle in prayers. Thankyou, for the encouragement, care and concern. I really really appreciate it.
Most importantly, there is just another individual whom I can never ever thank enough. Thankyou, Jesus, my Jehovah Rapha. On the first day, Michelle was not able to sit up, stand, or walk. On the second day, she was able to sit up and her left leg was no longer paralyzed . On the third day, she managed to stand and walk. On the fourth day, she felt the pain on her arm and could move her arm a little. I knew it was You. My parents knew it was You. Who else, but You? I knew right from the start that when You’d allowed this to happen, You’d provide. You’d heal. And You did(:
Good ‘Ol Days
I am selfish at times
I tend to do things my way
I am temperamental
I am sensitive. Sometimes, over-sensitive
I have my dishonest moments
I am lazy. Wayyy too lazy
I lack self-confidence most of the time
I panic. Always.
I am slow, literally.
I am an IT illiterate
I am not always mature
I throw tantrums
I am monsterous at times
I am unlovable
I am flawed
You girls have seen the worst side of me
& I still don’t understand how/why you girls love me just like how He does.
Thankyou, really.
