i have two ulcers and it hurts bad.

i think i’ve kinda lost the feel in blogging after having my own personal journal for some time. in a way, it’s amusing. i was such a fervent blogger since 2006 and i totally have no eye deer how did i manage to blog so freely about everything and anything that’s going ’round in my world. now i’m just more careful with whatever that i intend to put up on this site, in case the message i want to bring across is different from what is being received by the readers. owells.

after so many years, ive finally began to see and learn the art of  letting go. no, am not trying to be emo here, by the way. i’m eighteen and i’m still adapting and learning this whole inevitable growing-phase. and if you know me well enough, you’d know that i dont really fancy changes. i never really got used to it, i just learnt how to live with it, somehow. many times, countless of times, i question god alot of whys and howcouldyous and i’d start grumbling, stomping my feet and asking him if i really should/must obey and go with his ways but after the whole process, i’d end up with a ”orhhh~ so this was why you made me went through this har” . along the way, (highway , expressway or subway) , i think god had really changed my perspective a whole lot on many many issues. i began to realize that there isnt always a must to get my thoughts and opinions known all the time. sometimes, it takes just a teeny weeny step back. sometimes, it takes you to swallow your pride. sometimes, you just gotta shut up and listen more.

during service last sat, shu zhen shared alot during holy communion but the one thing that she said which really caught my heart was this, ”life is a journey of faith” . ive heard it alot of times, on different occasions, by the lips of different people. i even felt that it  was a lil too cheesy. you know, i think such phrases besides being uttered by christians, would only appear in those cards thats on sale in cheers and seven-eleven. and if you were to say this to me when i’m down and lost, i’d have boxed you in the face cause .. cause it’s really cheesy! (you get me if you get me.) but when i heard it that moment, i froze, literally. (who’s being cheesy now here huh. ha!) i couldnt quite describe how i felt, but what overwhelmed me was this ”eh? really eh. it really is a journey of faith” . it took faith when i decided to accept jesus into my life. it took faith for me to trust that the waterbag in daryl’s head would vanish when he was still in his mommy’s tummy. it took faith for me to trust when daddy was hospitalized two years ago. it took faith for me to believe that everything will turn out fine when my sis got into a car accident last year. it took faith each time i shared the gospel, though many times with fear and anxiety. and each time i had faith, god moved. he really did move eh. ah, i was so ashamed of myself . i’d belittled the power of faith and how god could really move, if only, yes, if only i believe.

no matter how much it takes, god. help me to keep my heart soft.

”Down, down & down he went.
In sorrow. In pain. In despair.

Rainy days, Breathless clouds, Light in sky.
Masquerades, Needless words, A battle line.

Come on now, big boy, flap your wings & fly.
Not alone, but with Daddy’s Might.”

My first ever post of the year. Was in the office and had nothing to do. Had a blank piece of A4 sized paper and a pen in hand and started scribbling. I think this could prolly sum up the whole of January for me. Up till now, I’m still wondering why I wrote it in a perspective of another gender. Guess there’s just this inner boy within me. Haha.

O-Ten’s here?

In the year 2009, I…

led NorthC under Keat’s leadership, with Vivien Daniel Kahoe & Brenda
It was great fun learning together and knowing each other better though we’re all so different. I’ve enjoyed leading the Sembawang schools (: It warms my heart to see them all growing spiritually, standing firmer in Christ and making a difference in the lives of others around them. All the hard/heart work, tears, sweat and effort was worth it. Given a choice, I wouldn’t mind doing it all over again. Had been leading the sembawang peeps for a little more than a year, but when restructuring came, I left the group with pride and assurance, knowing perfectly well that God is gonna bring the people here to a whole new level!

Co-hosted North Anniversary with Keat
This day is a memorable one for me cause before rushing down to NP for this mega event, I too, had the opportunity to share a really personal testimony during youth service. Dennis Loh even gave me $10 to cab down to NP from somerset just so I could reach on time to host for North Anni. Haha, this whole event was a huge success! I remember going home with a really really wide grin on my face.

Had alot of Taohuey Sessions
Ah yes, I’m a sinner. I remember dragging people down late at night to satisfy my craving. Ha! I even ate 4 bowls of taohuey at one go ’cause I was in a really really bad mood. Conclusion? Drag Joan Hoe away from taohuey stalls when she’s unhappy. Haha!

Spent lotsa quality time with my dear friends
I never liked socialising but I knew I had to set aside time to hang around with people and talk to them, no matter how unwilling/lazy/tired/reluctant I am somtimes. God really changed the whole mindset I have for friendships  and I think it’s one of the greatest growth point for me this year as well. Vivien, Xinru and Celine, thank you for squeezing your time out to meet even though it’s really hard at times. I appreciate it alot (: Xueyong, Keat and Xinru, I’ll never forget 17th Dec. Perhaps I could even say that it was my favourite day of the year(:

Licked the grass for the very first time
That was a forfeit, of course. It was muddy and wet and we still had to do it! Memorable, indeed.

Went to the Flyers for the very first time too!
Though we paid only ten bucks and there wasnt much beautiful sceneries to see then, but it definitely feels good to be looking at everything from bird’s eye view. Haha!

stepped out of the house after 1am for the very first time in my life. LOL
Silun msn-ed me at around 1am, telling me that she’d broke down after doing a few hours of math and couldnt handle the stress. Being a math-hater myself, I could totally comprehend how she felt and since I’m such a nice friend, I went to her place to find her (okay, actually I didnt. Kelly had to fetch me from my place cause I was so scared to leave home at such an unearthly hour) , and the three of us just played and high-ed the night away. I think the photo below pretty much explains everything. Haha!

bought four Giordano WE shirt
I think it’s just North lor. Hahahaha we don’t see much people from other districts wearing it. And we didn’t even plan to wear it the day this photo was taken!

Chopped my nong nong hair..
Shan’s the woman! She’s the only one who managed to talk me into chopping it off.
Byebye to split ends and dry hair!

Did lotsa retarded things
Okay, I’m putting my own market value at risk by uploading the photos here. But O wells. It’s getting late and I’m feeling crankehhh.

I still can’t believe that I’m gonna enter 2010 in less than a week’s time. So fast lah.
2009 had been the toughest and the most challenging year for me ; countless of struggles/ decision makings and the above are just a small fraction of the happenings in ‘09. But looking back, I’m just so awed by God. Awed by His faithfulness and providence. Indeed, Jesus never fails (:  Am very excited to lead the SOLE team too! Strong Woman of Christ, we shall be! Thankyou, God, for 2009. Let’s do it again! I’m marching towards 2010 with You!!

People

I just spent an hour looking at all the photos and videos I’ve stored in my thumbdrive. I’ve also spent that same hour smiling and grinning in front of my computer like an idiot. Indeed, there’s a story behind each and every photograph that was taken. I’ve always enjoyed showing my photos to others and tell them who’s who/ how’s the person like/what were we doing then/what kinda joke we cracked that moment. I never fail to remember each and every vivid detail that happened that day.

I prayed and thanked God for placing countless of beautiful individuals in my life.
”Jesus, help me to become a better friend.”

(:

(:

I think I’m often a spoilt brat. I make a big fuss when things don’t go my way. I push my way through and tries to prove to others that I’m right. I’m an obstinate person. I’m temperamental. I’m super sensitive to the words and actions of others out of sheer insecurity and expects others to love me as much as I love them. God is indeed smart. He knows that I’m bound to offend lotsa people and will definitely not gonna make it in this world if I were to continue to live and carry on with my life with this kinda attitude and character. And so, He graciously gave me some people who..helps me along the way, rejoicing & celebrating with me through every ups, giving me a hand & picking me up through every downs, correcting me when I’m wrong, encouraging me when I feel cui and most importantly, loving me even through my unlovable moments. And well, you are just one of the few (:

You know perfectly well that I can go on with more than 101 things which I think I should & can thank you for. I’ve thanked you for ’bout the same thing for practically every occasion & random moments. But do know that I really mean it. I simply just feel that I can never thank you enough. You nurtured and invested your time and effort on me since I was a young Christian and yes, I know that I’ve given you lotsa shit which sometimes even I can’t stand. For that, I apologize. I was a hard nut to crack, a sheep no shepherd would imagine to take care of. But you did and stayed, despite it all. Not that I’m a perfect saint now, but I think the major change of my character, attitude & perception of life, (besides Jesus) is all thanks to you. If you were to give me another ”Joan” to make friends with, I am more than certain that I would not be able to live for more than 3days. I would just die of frustration and intolerance. Like, seriously. So yea, you’re really a superwoman. To think that you’ve tolerated all my nonsense all these time. Heh.

It’s another beginning, for us both. I pray that God would watch over you (duh) , reveal more of His plans for the Kingdom to you and use you so so so much more than before. I know He would. You’ve always been such a sedulous worker. You have  a child-like and genuine heart which seeks after Him and places Him above all else. I’ve always loved to sit and listen you share ’bout your visions and plans you have in extending His Kingdom. You would grip my arm and your eyes would sparkle when you continue to share bout such stuff with such deep convictions and passion. I am also greeeennn with envy with the fact that you’re able to do something which you’ve always wanted to do and be since you were a child — A policewoman. Tell me, how many can actually still hold down to their dreams and ambitions and stay true to them?

You have, and I believe, will always be a role model for me to follow. A Chrisitan who leads her life with great integrity and love for others.  I salute you, Joyce Tan (:

Bubblegum Song

”Pink and Purple
Blue and Orange
Green and White
and Yellow

Chew ’till soft and blow blow blow
See the bubble grow grow grow

Pop Pop Pop
Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop ”

Deborah introduced this song to Misha and I this evening and it’s now officially stuck in my head :/

Phew

It has been a really hectic and stress month for me. I remembered I was still in a lost and deranged state of mind when October came, trying hard to swallow the fact that this really was it. I swear I thought I could just die and wake up when November comes. But O well, I’d survived it. YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ~

God has been good. Really good. I’d never have made it alive without Him. Moments when I just refused to do anything and everything and just let my mind float away, moments when I felt like I was trapped in a maze, moments when I’d faced humiliation none could comprehend, He was there. Faithfully and lovingly holding my hand to the very very end.

The shiokness after putting in nothing but my best is really…shiok! I realized that when ”Best” was what I gave, the outcome does not quite matter. And when ”Best” was what I gave, I’d already heard the applause of Jesus. Even if I were to fail, I fail with pride.

The month of October was also a month of celebrations(:  The Birthday surprises – under my block on the rainy night, picnic at marina barrage with the girls, the ”havoc” night at Kelly’s, dinner at Aston’s and a bowl of ”Taohuey” as my Birthday cake from the Hopekids teachers. .And oh! I’d also received a hot sexay sizzling RED Ipod Nano!! I’d been wanting this since forever but the $$$ in my holey pocket never allowed me to fulfill this great big ”want” in me. The smses and cards too.. I really felt extremely loved. From the bottom of my heart, thankyou (:

The Legendary Stare

When I was younger, whenever I start throwing tantrums, screaming at my sis’s face, pulling my sis’s hair or basically, just to do anything that wasn’t nice, my Dad would just give me this killer stare and I’d freeze in fear and stop whatever that I was doing.

And so, I thought I could use this legendary killer stare on my 2yr old nephew when he was happily slamming and opening the lid of the portable dvd player repeatedly. I decided to give him three warnings — The first was to tell him gently that whatever that he’s doing now is wrong and correct him. The second was to give him the killer stare. The third, of course, was to spank his butt ’till it blossomed.

I gave the first warning and all I got was a wide grin. And soooo, came the legendary stare. I stared at him so hard I thought my eyeballs were popping out. He looked at me calmly and I thought I’d succeeded. But guess what happened. Okay, lemme do this in slow-mo. He raised his right hand, made a ”yay!” or ‘twist” sign, whatever you call it, and poked right through my left eye, all within a second! Okay, maybe not through my eye, I exaggerated. It was so painful and I even had trouble opening my eye! For once, I thought I was going blind.

So much of wanting to pass the legendary stare from generation to generation and from glory to glory eh.

Lesson learnt: Whatever methods used in the past, might not be effective for today’s world. It’s kinda a ”duh” thing but owell, I learnt it the hard way.

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To the irritating one :p

I’ve always sought for simplicity my whole life, only to find out that I’m the complex one.
And You, are probably the simplest person I’ve ever met.
Thank you for the midnight tau-huay sessions
Thank you for bringing Joy into my life.
I never fail to laugh really hard whenever I’m with you.
Thank you for being the one who makes the decision when the girls and I were indecisive.
Thank you for showing me love with your words and actions
(Many times, you took me by surprise cause you were never really a mushy kinda person. Ha!)
Thank you for being real to yourself and also to the people around you.
You are one of the few friends I have whom I can really really pour my heart to without worrying how you’d judge or perceive me.
Come to think of it. it’s funny how we first started out as enemies 5 years ago to who we are today.
Haha, it’s totally unbelievable.
Ah, you know what they say – ”Friends are like precious gems.”
Cheesy and Cliche, I know, but it’s true.
However for me, you’re more than a friend.
You’re like a family member to me already!
I wish and hope for nothing but the best for you! (:
Happy 18th, dearest!